Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 3
Football fans will drink ice-cold beer while shivering uncontrollably.
Why would anyone enter a coliseum filled with drunken, mentally challenged rage-monsters wearing the colors of the opponent?
Why would any sane parent choose to bring a child into this environment?
Adult men dress up in beads and face paint and Elvis costumes so they can be featured on the jumbo TV without any hope of compensation whatsoever.
NOVEMBER 26
6:05 PM
What I understand about football now
10 yards is really fucking important.
Running forward for three or four yards before being tackled is shockingly satisfying to football fans even though it looks like absolutely nothing to me.
Long underwear, jeans, snow pants, mittens, and cold hands make the act of urinating a serious commitment.
There is a lot less kicking than you would think for a game called football.
Women who attend football games must never pee.
Planning a fast exit from the parking lot is almost as important as winning the game.
Pass interference is the thing that provokes the greatest emotional response in a football fan.
A touchdown for a team that you have never seen before and care nothing about in a sport you barely understand will still somehow cause you to want to leap into the arms of a stranger.
I think I would go to another football game if I didn’t have to worry about frostbite.
NOVEMBER 26
7:55 PM
Places I urinated today
McDonald’s restroom on the Mass Pike
Surprisingly clean porta-john
A men’s room in Gillette Stadium
Behind a tree on the edge of the parking lot
Impossibly rancid porta-john (but also the same porta-john as earlier)
McDonald’s restroom in Milford, Massachusetts
Jake’s backyard (it was dark) (didn’t want to wake Jake Jr.)
NOVEMBER 26
10:00 PM
Phrases spoken today that seemed to carry so much meaning for Jake and his friends but meant nothing to me
“Nothing was ever as good as Jags parking.”
“Corn bread in a parking lot.”
“Whiskey and a Playboy.”
“Tom-Fucking-Swale.”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Just a little bit of shared language and culture can make a person feel like he’s standing far outside of a group, wishing to find a way in.
Jake
Did not adequately prepare me for the cold
Swears more at a football game than anywhere else
Tried to prevent me from sounding stupid about football
I like his friends a lot.
I can’t believe he does this all the time.
He seems so happy and relaxed. They all do. Not a worry in the world.
Compared to Jake’s friends, I have no real friends.
People I was slightly jealous of today
Tony
Questions
When did I miss out on friends like this?
Does Jake know that I don’t have any real friends? Does Mom? Is that why I was here today?
What is the thing in my life that would bring my theoretical friends together if not football?
Would friends make things easier?
NOVEMBER 27
11:15 AM
Original list of possible names for bookstore
Stuff Made Up in People’s Heads
Stuff People Made Up in Their Heads
Books
Dan’s Pipe Dream
Shut Up and Read
Only Dan’s Favorite Books (Mostly)
Jill’s Albatross
No Benefits. Just Books.
A New Chapter
Books Are Better Than Sex
NOVEMBER 28
7:00 AM
Pros of Having a Baby
Won’t stay a baby forever
Making it
Bullshit Pros of Having a Baby
Someone to take care of me in old age
Carry on the family name
Cons of Having a Baby
Costs a fucking fortune
Repeat #1 forever
Dealing with shit and piss that isn’t yours
Eats things that aren’t food
Breastfeeding (when do I get Jill’s boobs back?)
Baby boys pee on you
Gates and car seats and those goddamn cabinet locks
Restaurants ruined forever
They could potentially grow up to become assholes and/or freeloaders
Things I’m Willing to Do to Avoid Having a Baby
Hire someone to wipe my ass in old age
Allow the family name to disappear forever
NOVEMBER 29
10:40 AM
Reasons why I won’t convert to Judaism
You can’t just declare yourself Jewish. It’s “a process.”
Required circumcision (I’m already circumcised, but I’m standing on principle)
Only one fun holiday (Hanukkah)
Can’t decide on the spelling of their one fun holiday (Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah)
No decorations. Seriously. NONE.
The food is just not as good as advertised. Noodle pudding? Gefilte fish? Matzo ball soup is a ball of matzo in chicken broth. These are not good foods.
No anthropomorphized and/or magical creatures
Yarmulkes
Jill didn’t ask me to convert
I don’t believe in God (anymore) (I think)
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Anything that is a “process” inevitably sucks.
You can determine the objective tastiness of a food by the probability of its presence on a restaurant menu. Kugel cannot be found on your average restaurant menu, therefore it objectively sucks.
NOVEMBER 30
5:15 PM
Things I want to do before I die that can also earn me money
Win a sports-related bet against Jake
Play poker professionally
Perpetrate a Nigerian prince-like scam on someone (or Jake) (or Jill’s brother)
NOVEMBER 30
9:39 PM
Number of times we had sex in November:
12
Number of times I faked the orgasm:
0
Difficulty in faking an orgasm midstream (mid-stream?)
Incalculable
NOVEMBER 30
11:15 PM
Gift ideas for Mom
Number of days until Mom’s birthday
15
Importance of purchasing a thoughtful gift for Mom’s birthday
Considerable
Importance of remembering a gift for Mom’s birthday
Incalculable
DECEMBER
DECEMBER 1
8:00 AM
Finances
Savings: 8,003
Income
What I tell Jill: 1,800
Reality: 1,275
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
Mortgage: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 96
Oil: 0
Phones: 180
Gas: 135
Christmas gifts: 500+
Christmas tree: 45
Outside lights: 65
Brake job: 345
Other stuff: Still too much
Revised List of Financial Solutions
SHORT-TERM
Second job
Day-trading
Online poker
Write to millionaires billionaires
LONG-TERM
Write a novel
Thank-you note idea
UNREALISTIC BUT STILL VIABLE
Lottery
DECEMBER 2
&n
bsp; 1:30 PM
Deals We Made About Kids
No kids for first two years of marriage
One child minimum
Second child only if we both agree
No guilt allowed in second-child decision
12–24-month maternity leave
100% agreement required for first name
Full guilt-free veto on any former asshole student names
Dan gets choice of middle name
Kid gets guilt-free choice of religion post–bar/bat mitzvah
DECEMBER 3
3:50 AM
Revised but STILL Stupidest List Ever Written
Bank or credit union
Citgo
7-Eleven
ATM
LESS STUPID (but still incredibly stupid) LIST
Fast food
Mortenson’s or Shady Glen (cash-only businesses)
ATM
Maybe Citgo
DECEMBER 4
9:10 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for December
Girlchild by Tupelo Hassan (redacted sections are both ingenious and lazy)
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
The Revenge of the Radioactive Lady by Elizabeth Stuckey-French (amazing title)
The Boy Scout Handbook (should be read by every child) (especially basic hatchet safety section)
DECEMBER 4
12:00 PM
Stupidest questions asked this month
I know that the Hunger Games is a trilogy, but do you think he’ll write another book?
How do bookstores make money if you never sell books?
Why don’t you have a Starbucks in here like Barnes & Noble?
Can you help me download this book onto my iPad?
Could you get Stephen King or maybe Hillary Clinton to do a talk?
Number of books sold today that I love
4
Number of books sold today that I despise
19
Number of these books sold today that I despise that include vampires
6
DECEMBER 5
10:10 AM
Number of people in our home
2
Number of hampers in our home
9
Number of empty hampers
0
Average length of time Jill’s clean clothing remains folded in a hamper
8 months (approximate)
Maximum time Jill’s clothing has remained in a hamper
2 years and counting (no joke)
DECEMBER 5
4:00 PM
Reasons Amy quit
“I’m looking for a new challenge.”
“I’m hoping to become more entrepreneurial.”
Real reason Amy quit
Hated Kimberly
Remaining employees
Steve
Kimberly
Jenny
Sharon: weekends only now
DECEMBER 6
10:22 AM
Reasons I Fell in Love with Jill
Willing to eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, or dinner
Might love books even more than me
Defends the Oxford comma with passion bordering on fanaticism
Best teacher I’ve ever known
Love bites on my neck and ankles
Blindly accepts me for exactly who I am
Refuses to conform to family traditions
Dimples
Never sick
Skinny-dipping
Changes the sheets every week
Ignores NO RIGHT ON RED signs
Sex (even without the blow jobs)
Hates Virginia Woolf and José Saramago
Loves Douglas Adams and Neil Gaiman
Little green skirt
The way she dances
Toes
Loves/despises Jake
Pound cake
Cries when she sees roadkill
Can drink me under the table
Reasons I Wouldn’t Have Married Jill If I Hadn’t Fallen in Love with Her
Wants kids
Puts things in piles
Drives a stick shift
Hampers
Clarence
Clarence drool
Clarence staring at us while we’re having sex
Clarence barking at every fucking mammal smaller than him
Leaves dirty dishes in sink overnight (fucking savage)
Widow
DECEMBER 7
7:40 AM
Things I can’t do
Change my oil
Accept my mortality
Abide earnestness
Eat ice cream slowly
Respect success when it began with privilege
Parallel park
Treat the tardy well
Play the ukulele
Haggle for a better price
Pretend to like a book for the sake of a sale
A pull-up
Reasons I can’t play the ukulele
I haven’t removed my ukulele from its case
DECEMBER 7
8:05 AM
Why this is all Mr. Sullivan’s fault
Never gave up on me
Taught me to read (finally)
Started my love affair with books
Made teaching look easy
Inspired me to change lives for the better
Never told me how challenging teaching would be
The luckiest people
People who were born wanting to be bankers, lawyers, actuaries, and surgeons
Children
Peter Pan
DECEMBER 7
8:45 AM
Days that Will Live in Infamy
December 25, 1991: Pinkie toe
May 20, 2002: Graduation without Dad
October 31, 2005: Meg leaves me
March 1, 2010: Peter
June 22, 2015: Resign teaching position
DECEMBER 7
11:55 AM
Regrets
Not going for that possible threesome with the two girls in that limousine when I was 19
Never calling Dad
Quitting teaching
Bringing silk flowers to Laura when I was 17 years old
Hiring Kimberly
Wearing that Melrose Place T-shirt on New Year’s Eve
Forgiving Jake for chopping off my pinkie toe
Not sticking my pinkie toe in the freezer
Mom’s regret (I assume)
Giving Jake a hatchet for Christmas. Fucking Boy Scouts.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Silk flowers, it turns out, are super practical but not as spontaneous as fresh cut flowers.
Laura Green’s Law of the Universe
“Any gift that requires dusting does not qualify as spontaneous.”
DECEMBER 7
1:08 PM
The Guardian’s “Top five regrets of the dying”
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Good news
I don’t have enough customers to worry about regret #2.
My lack of friends keeps me from worries about staying in touch.
I’m not stopping myself from being happier. It’s my checking account that’s keeping me from being happy.
Bad news
None of the above is actually good news.
DECEMBER 9
7:20 AM
The Guardian’s list of potential stroke triggers
Coffee consumption (10.6%)
Vigorous physical exercise (7.9%)
Nose blowing (5.4%)
Sexual intercourse (4.3%)
Straining to defecate (3.6%)
Cola consumption (3.5%)
Being startled
(2.7%)
Being angry (1.3%)
Number of potential stroke triggers that I have engaged in this week
7
Probability that sexual intercourse being a stroke trigger might postpone baby making with Jill
0%
Probability that vigorous physical activity being a stroke trigger might postpone me joining a gym
100%
DECEMBER 9
11:45 AM
Steps required to chop off your pinkie toe
Shearling-lined slippers
Brand-new hatchet
Fuckface brother
“Ax throwing is a thing!”
Gullibility
Shitty aim
“Don’t tell Mom!”
DECEMBER 10
5:30 AM
Gift ideas for Mom
Flowers
Chocolate
The Complete Idiots Guide to Dealing with In-Laws (really exists)
Only gifts Mom really wants
Attention
Validation
More grandchildren
Me to be more like Jake
Number of days until Mom’s birthday:
5
Probability that Jake has already bought Mom the perfect gift
100%
DECEMBER 10
7:10 AM
Advantages to not speaking to Dad
No birthday present angst
DECEMBER 10
7:15 AM
If I could say anything to Dad
I’m sorry that Mom cheated on you.
Yes, I know she cheated on you. I’ve always known.
I didn’t cheat on you.
DECEMBER 11
4:15 PM
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There is an inverse relationship between the amount of money in my bank account and my weight.