Twenty-one Truths About Love Read online

  Football fans will drink ice-cold beer while shivering uncontrollably.

  Why would anyone enter a coliseum filled with drunken, mentally challenged rage-monsters wearing the colors of the opponent?

  Why would any sane parent choose to bring a child into this environment?

  Adult men dress up in beads and face paint and Elvis costumes so they can be featured on the jumbo TV without any hope of compensation whatsoever.

  NOVEMBER 26

  6:05 PM

  What I understand about football now

  10 yards is really fucking important.

  Running forward for three or four yards before being tackled is shockingly satisfying to football fans even though it looks like absolutely nothing to me.

  Long underwear, jeans, snow pants, mittens, and cold hands make the act of urinating a serious commitment.

  There is a lot less kicking than you would think for a game called football.

  Women who attend football games must never pee.

  Planning a fast exit from the parking lot is almost as important as winning the game.

  Pass interference is the thing that provokes the greatest emotional response in a football fan.

  A touchdown for a team that you have never seen before and care nothing about in a sport you barely understand will still somehow cause you to want to leap into the arms of a stranger.

  I think I would go to another football game if I didn’t have to worry about frostbite.

  NOVEMBER 26

  7:55 PM

  Places I urinated today

  McDonald’s restroom on the Mass Pike

  Surprisingly clean porta-john

  A men’s room in Gillette Stadium

  Behind a tree on the edge of the parking lot

  Impossibly rancid porta-john (but also the same porta-john as earlier)

  McDonald’s restroom in Milford, Massachusetts

  Jake’s backyard (it was dark) (didn’t want to wake Jake Jr.)

  NOVEMBER 26

  10:00 PM

  Phrases spoken today that seemed to carry so much meaning for Jake and his friends but meant nothing to me

  “Nothing was ever as good as Jags parking.”

  “Corn bread in a parking lot.”

  “Whiskey and a Playboy.”

  “Tom-Fucking-Swale.”

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Just a little bit of shared language and culture can make a person feel like he’s standing far outside of a group, wishing to find a way in.

  Jake

  Did not adequately prepare me for the cold

  Swears more at a football game than anywhere else

  Tried to prevent me from sounding stupid about football

  I like his friends a lot.

  I can’t believe he does this all the time.

  He seems so happy and relaxed. They all do. Not a worry in the world.

  Compared to Jake’s friends, I have no real friends.

  People I was slightly jealous of today

  Tony

  Questions

  When did I miss out on friends like this?

  Does Jake know that I don’t have any real friends? Does Mom? Is that why I was here today?

  What is the thing in my life that would bring my theoretical friends together if not football?

  Would friends make things easier?

  NOVEMBER 27

  11:15 AM

  Original list of possible names for bookstore

  Stuff Made Up in People’s Heads

  Stuff People Made Up in Their Heads

  Books

  Dan’s Pipe Dream

  Shut Up and Read

  Only Dan’s Favorite Books (Mostly)

  Jill’s Albatross

  No Benefits. Just Books.

  A New Chapter

  Books Are Better Than Sex

  NOVEMBER 28

  7:00 AM

  Pros of Having a Baby

  Won’t stay a baby forever

  Making it

  Bullshit Pros of Having a Baby

  Someone to take care of me in old age

  Carry on the family name

  Cons of Having a Baby

  Costs a fucking fortune

  Repeat #1 forever

  Dealing with shit and piss that isn’t yours

  Eats things that aren’t food

  Breastfeeding (when do I get Jill’s boobs back?)

  Baby boys pee on you

  Gates and car seats and those goddamn cabinet locks

  Restaurants ruined forever

  They could potentially grow up to become assholes and/or freeloaders

  Things I’m Willing to Do to Avoid Having a Baby

  Hire someone to wipe my ass in old age

  Allow the family name to disappear forever

  NOVEMBER 29

  10:40 AM

  Reasons why I won’t convert to Judaism

  You can’t just declare yourself Jewish. It’s “a process.”

  Required circumcision (I’m already circumcised, but I’m standing on principle)

  Only one fun holiday (Hanukkah)

  Can’t decide on the spelling of their one fun holiday (Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah)

  No decorations. Seriously. NONE.

  The food is just not as good as advertised. Noodle pudding? Gefilte fish? Matzo ball soup is a ball of matzo in chicken broth. These are not good foods.

  No anthropomorphized and/or magical creatures

  Yarmulkes

  Jill didn’t ask me to convert

  I don’t believe in God (anymore) (I think)

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Anything that is a “process” inevitably sucks.

  You can determine the objective tastiness of a food by the probability of its presence on a restaurant menu. Kugel cannot be found on your average restaurant menu, therefore it objectively sucks.

  NOVEMBER 30

  5:15 PM

  Things I want to do before I die that can also earn me money

  Win a sports-related bet against Jake

  Play poker professionally

  Perpetrate a Nigerian prince-like scam on someone (or Jake) (or Jill’s brother)

  NOVEMBER 30

  9:39 PM

  Number of times we had sex in November:

  12

  Number of times I faked the orgasm:

  0

  Difficulty in faking an orgasm midstream (mid-stream?)

  Incalculable

  NOVEMBER 30

  11:15 PM

  Gift ideas for Mom

  Number of days until Mom’s birthday

  15

  Importance of purchasing a thoughtful gift for Mom’s birthday

  Considerable

  Importance of remembering a gift for Mom’s birthday

  Incalculable

  DECEMBER

  DECEMBER 1

  8:00 AM

  Finances

  Savings: 8,003

  Income

  What I tell Jill: 1,800

  Reality: 1,275

  Jill: 2,900

  Expenses

  Mortgage: 2,206

  Toyota: 276

  Honda: 318

  Car insurance: 175

  Student loans: 395

  Cable and Internet: 215

  Electric: 96

  Oil: 0

  Phones: 180

  Gas: 135

  Christmas gifts: 500+

  Christmas tree: 45

  Outside lights: 65

  Brake job: 345

  Other stuff: Still too much

  Revised List of Financial Solutions

  SHORT-TERM

  Second job

  Day-trading

  Online poker

  Write to millionaires billionaires

  LONG-TERM

  Write a novel

  Thank-you note idea

  UNREALISTIC BUT STILL VIABLE

  Lottery

  DECEMBER 2

&n
bsp; 1:30 PM

  Deals We Made About Kids

  No kids for first two years of marriage

  One child minimum

  Second child only if we both agree

  No guilt allowed in second-child decision

  12–24-month maternity leave

  100% agreement required for first name

  Full guilt-free veto on any former asshole student names

  Dan gets choice of middle name

  Kid gets guilt-free choice of religion post–bar/bat mitzvah

  DECEMBER 3

  3:50 AM

  Revised but STILL Stupidest List Ever Written

  Bank or credit union

  Citgo

  7-Eleven

  ATM

  LESS STUPID (but still incredibly stupid) LIST

  Fast food

  Mortenson’s or Shady Glen (cash-only businesses)

  ATM

  Maybe Citgo

  DECEMBER 4

  9:10 AM

  A New Chapter Picks of the Month for December

  Girlchild by Tupelo Hassan (redacted sections are both ingenious and lazy)

  Geek Love by Katherine Dunn

  The Revenge of the Radioactive Lady by Elizabeth Stuckey-French (amazing title)

  The Boy Scout Handbook (should be read by every child) (especially basic hatchet safety section)

  DECEMBER 4

  12:00 PM

  Stupidest questions asked this month

  I know that the Hunger Games is a trilogy, but do you think he’ll write another book?

  How do bookstores make money if you never sell books?

  Why don’t you have a Starbucks in here like Barnes & Noble?

  Can you help me download this book onto my iPad?

  Could you get Stephen King or maybe Hillary Clinton to do a talk?

  Number of books sold today that I love

  4

  Number of books sold today that I despise

  19

  Number of these books sold today that I despise that include vampires

  6

  DECEMBER 5

  10:10 AM

  Number of people in our home

  2

  Number of hampers in our home

  9

  Number of empty hampers

  0

  Average length of time Jill’s clean clothing remains folded in a hamper

  8 months (approximate)

  Maximum time Jill’s clothing has remained in a hamper

  2 years and counting (no joke)

  DECEMBER 5

  4:00 PM

  Reasons Amy quit

  “I’m looking for a new challenge.”

  “I’m hoping to become more entrepreneurial.”

  Real reason Amy quit

  Hated Kimberly

  Remaining employees

  Steve

  Kimberly

  Jenny

  Sharon: weekends only now

  DECEMBER 6

  10:22 AM

  Reasons I Fell in Love with Jill

  Willing to eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, or dinner

  Might love books even more than me

  Defends the Oxford comma with passion bordering on fanaticism

  Best teacher I’ve ever known

  Love bites on my neck and ankles

  Blindly accepts me for exactly who I am

  Refuses to conform to family traditions

  Dimples

  Never sick

  Skinny-dipping

  Changes the sheets every week

  Ignores NO RIGHT ON RED signs

  Sex (even without the blow jobs)

  Hates Virginia Woolf and José Saramago

  Loves Douglas Adams and Neil Gaiman

  Little green skirt

  The way she dances

  Toes

  Loves/despises Jake

  Pound cake

  Cries when she sees roadkill

  Can drink me under the table

  Reasons I Wouldn’t Have Married Jill If I Hadn’t Fallen in Love with Her

  Wants kids

  Puts things in piles

  Drives a stick shift

  Hampers

  Clarence

  Clarence drool

  Clarence staring at us while we’re having sex

  Clarence barking at every fucking mammal smaller than him

  Leaves dirty dishes in sink overnight (fucking savage)

  Widow

  DECEMBER 7

  7:40 AM

  Things I can’t do

  Change my oil

  Accept my mortality

  Abide earnestness

  Eat ice cream slowly

  Respect success when it began with privilege

  Parallel park

  Treat the tardy well

  Play the ukulele

  Haggle for a better price

  Pretend to like a book for the sake of a sale

  A pull-up

  Reasons I can’t play the ukulele

  I haven’t removed my ukulele from its case

  DECEMBER 7

  8:05 AM

  Why this is all Mr. Sullivan’s fault

  Never gave up on me

  Taught me to read (finally)

  Started my love affair with books

  Made teaching look easy

  Inspired me to change lives for the better

  Never told me how challenging teaching would be

  The luckiest people

  People who were born wanting to be bankers, lawyers, actuaries, and surgeons

  Children

  Peter Pan

  DECEMBER 7

  8:45 AM

  Days that Will Live in Infamy

  December 25, 1991: Pinkie toe

  May 20, 2002: Graduation without Dad

  October 31, 2005: Meg leaves me

  March 1, 2010: Peter

  June 22, 2015: Resign teaching position

  DECEMBER 7

  11:55 AM

  Regrets

  Not going for that possible threesome with the two girls in that limousine when I was 19

  Never calling Dad

  Quitting teaching

  Bringing silk flowers to Laura when I was 17 years old

  Hiring Kimberly

  Wearing that Melrose Place T-shirt on New Year’s Eve

  Forgiving Jake for chopping off my pinkie toe

  Not sticking my pinkie toe in the freezer

  Mom’s regret (I assume)

  Giving Jake a hatchet for Christmas. Fucking Boy Scouts.

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Silk flowers, it turns out, are super practical but not as spontaneous as fresh cut flowers.

  Laura Green’s Law of the Universe

  “Any gift that requires dusting does not qualify as spontaneous.”

  DECEMBER 7

  1:08 PM

  The Guardian’s “Top five regrets of the dying”

  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

  Good news

  I don’t have enough customers to worry about regret #2.

  My lack of friends keeps me from worries about staying in touch.

  I’m not stopping myself from being happier. It’s my checking account that’s keeping me from being happy.

  Bad news

  None of the above is actually good news.

  DECEMBER 9

  7:20 AM

  The Guardian’s list of potential stroke triggers

  Coffee consumption (10.6%)

  Vigorous physical exercise (7.9%)

  Nose blowing (5.4%)

  Sexual intercourse (4.3%)

  Straining to defecate (3.6%)

  Cola consumption (3.5%)

  Being startled
(2.7%)

  Being angry (1.3%)

  Number of potential stroke triggers that I have engaged in this week

  7

  Probability that sexual intercourse being a stroke trigger might postpone baby making with Jill

  0%

  Probability that vigorous physical activity being a stroke trigger might postpone me joining a gym

  100%

  DECEMBER 9

  11:45 AM

  Steps required to chop off your pinkie toe

  Shearling-lined slippers

  Brand-new hatchet

  Fuckface brother

  “Ax throwing is a thing!”

  Gullibility

  Shitty aim

  “Don’t tell Mom!”

  DECEMBER 10

  5:30 AM

  Gift ideas for Mom

  Flowers

  Chocolate

  The Complete Idiots Guide to Dealing with In-Laws (really exists)

  Only gifts Mom really wants

  Attention

  Validation

  More grandchildren

  Me to be more like Jake

  Number of days until Mom’s birthday:

  5

  Probability that Jake has already bought Mom the perfect gift

  100%

  DECEMBER 10

  7:10 AM

  Advantages to not speaking to Dad

  No birthday present angst

  DECEMBER 10

  7:15 AM

  If I could say anything to Dad

  I’m sorry that Mom cheated on you.

  Yes, I know she cheated on you. I’ve always known.

  I didn’t cheat on you.

  DECEMBER 11

  4:15 PM

  Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  There is an inverse relationship between the amount of money in my bank account and my weight.